Shit. oh, and the layout too, I forgot!

I have no idea if the layout will last. We can't say it lifts your mood and, well, to be on the gutter is not what I need right now and as I already feel/fell in it and am not thinking as Wilde would advice ("We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars"), I should probably be coming round with an insight to bright my mood up, not the other way around. This is clearly a portuguese speaker writing; anglosaxons would never, under any circumstances(other than deliberate copy, I believe), write so intricately and laboriously. Anyway, the blog is beautiful. Oh, come on! Ok, dramatic and heavy and whatever but rather lucid, you must admit.

Inside I'm ridiculous. From the outside I'm worse: absolutely incomprehensible, weird, selfish, egocentric, stubborn, childish, blind, limited, influenciable, corrupted, tiring,,,,,,. The situation is pathetic. Radically different, I keep finding myself between two options, none of them acceptable if I'm to think about complete happiness. So I keep choosing half happiness and complete disaster instead of complete happiness and disaster. What are these barriers people have teached me? Christ(hehe), how to break them?, how to break them? Why can we not naturally face disaster, break free, ruin things, break up, break down, destroy, be different, choose another route, not live up to the other's expectations, be what we want and not what's supposedly better, etc etc. All the same old cliché nobody lives. And I'm this mess, I'm only accessed by that who will be put into the fire with me, we'll both burn, we'd be happy if, I'd be happy if.. if only I could, we'd be happy if I could. I keep elaborating strategies and plans, all doomed. None I manage to take further.

Even my love has changed. Having no idea where it is, I can't make it up again, wrap it in a beautifully designed paper and show it to the world. I don't know where it is. I don't know if it exists. I want to be free to start and restart, walk and fall, walk and fall. Why should I have to prove weird faces I don't have to make a thousand try-outs to make things work? What if I need a thousand tries to make it work? Why the fuck should they care? I'm tired. I'm tired and I don't think I can't fit again. If I have to go back to what I was, I won't fit again at all. In a way, I'm sorry. For mom, I'm sorry, I trully am. For the rest, ...rest.